Sleep is for the Weak

by Willow Mae

Makoto Kino doesn't like to sleep.

Because sometimes in here sleep, there will be a moment of imagination (or memory).
A kiss.
A touch.
An embrace.

And she will wake, and remember so vividly these moments that she curls into her pillow and weeps for the ache in her belly that knows no name.

Makoto Kino hates sleep.

It's gotten to the point where sometimes she is so hollow, she couldn't cry even if she wanted to.

In the dark, she curses her fate. She curses her body, her face, her heart, her personality. She curses her friends. And then she cries some more, because the guilt is so overwhelming and she knows she shouldn't feel what she's feeling and she knows she shouldn't hate who she's become but she does anyway.

Days are nothing compared to nights. In the daylight, Makoto can smile and be happy and forget those moments. When Usagi and Rei bicker, she can laugh. When Ami tries to study, she can sigh. When Minako misquotes something, she can correct her with a smile.

In the daylight, she can battle for her friends. She can save her precious people. She can be strong and overpowering and just a little rude.

But when twilight comes, and all her friends have returned to their houses and she returns to her empty apartment, she's lost and doesn't know who to be.

Makoto Kino hates sleep.

She curls her arms around herself, trying to grasp those fleeting moments into a tangible reality. But she knows the embrace is not from him. Not from the one person she wants, but does not know.

She hates the moments in her bed when she can almost feel his presence beside her. She hates them because she doesn't know if this is real or not. Being strung taut between her own thoughts, she can't be sure if these moments are just her overactive imagination or something more. And it would kill her to find out, she thinks.

Makoto Kino doesn't like to dwell on the moments. She doesn't like to fantasize about his kisses, about his arms or his hair or his eyes. She doesn't like to remember how happy she was because the pain is too bright and beautiful. She doesn't want to want him. She doesn't want to miss him.

Except when she does.